Dear Mr. Mueller—I’m writing you with a request pertaining to this Special Counsel investigation you’re doing. Well, not just you, but you and that boatload of lawyers you have working for you. What do you have now, 16 prosecutors, 17? Not criticizing, but how did you screen your team anyway? I’m thinking it was a single-question application:
1. Should we impeach President Trump? (Check One)
□ Yes! Sooner the better! □ I don’t want this job, but thanks anyway.
I’m starting to feel sorry for some of these people you are targeting. People under scrutiny so nit-picky I doubt even the FBI itself could escape it unscathed (shall we find out?). People entangled in a “Trump-Russia” probe who may or may not have anything to do with Trump, or who may or may not have anything to do with Russia. People I don’t normally care about, who are accused of doing things I don’t worry about, ever. Should I? Jared Kushner’s financial dealings with China now? Is that right? China? Paul Manafort (whose home you no-knock raided), and now some Dutch lawyer who maybe did some work for him once? A George Papadopoulos, meeting some professor in London? George has pleaded guilty to a “process crime,” a new concept for me, which I love. It’s where instead of uncovering wrongdoing, you create it through your investigation! Nice. Oh, and Mike Flynn, to whom we are in debt for his long and distinguished military service, well, he too committed a process crime, so string him up, man!
It’s gotten to be just a creepy, nasty, mean-spirited business, a prosecution more than an investigation, and conducted without regard for negative impact on this country or the people who are trampled over in the process. No crusty pile is left unturned, no chummy reporter unleaked to, as you attempt to confirm activity that is not actually illegal (campaign “links” to the Russian government) but which you hope will lead to something big, like the removal of President Trump from office. It’s a “fishing expedition,” sans the beers and the calming effect of the lake.
Oh, you did manage to indict a bunch of Russians for messing with us on the Internet and organizing rallies, but with all due respect, are you serious? You must be going somewhere else with this, otherwise these are trivial accusations, and against people you will never be able to extradite anyway. And it gives the impression that the United States just can’t keep up with all this social media stuff, or that we’re so clueless we’ll blindly attend demonstrations, or elect a President based on Facebook posts. It’s not a good look for the greatest democracy in the world, Mr. Mueller. The Russians did not make me vote for Donald Trump.
If you have accomplished nothing so far it’s because your assigned mission was a dishonest one from the start. No one is truly concerned about actual Russians here; the “Russians” are a hologram, a projection of the DC establishment’s frustration and disbelief that we would actually pick an outsider like Donald Trump to be our President. How dare the unwashed elect such a clown? As the old guard begins to quake at the idea of losing influence, they have called upon you to go once more unto the breach. Given all your resources, you are almost certain to find something eventually, but what will success look like for you? Bringing down the leader of the free world based on a violation of some arcane financial regulation, or the missteps of some inexperienced staffer, or, if all else fails, the ever-handy process crime? I personally think it is beneath you to take part in such a farce.
But if you are going to soldier on, how about borrowing the physician’s maxim: First, do no harm? Since you are free to roam and look into whatever “may arise” during the course of your investigation, can you help me find my socks? I had a pair of argyles. Had. I’ve rummaged through both of my sock drawers, a lot of plain navy blue ones and black ones, but I also had a pair of green-blue argyles which are nowhere to be found and (bonus!) I think the Russians took them. Yes, I’m pretty sure about that. What other explanation could there be?
If you could help me out here, that would be great. Don’t let any of your prosecutors duck this assignment, Mr. Mueller; none of this “I’m too good to look for socks” crap, if you know what I mean. Anyway, there’s no downside for you on this. No harm will come to our country by looking for my socks. Thanks for your time.
—Respectfully, Malcolm Beifong
UPDATE! Stop the presses! Guess what? Mrs. Beifong found the socks! She is amazing! They’d fallen between the washer and dryer. Embarrassing. So never mind.